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The Newsletter >
In The Season of The Mummy Frogs
August 4, 2009
The strange sound was either an exploding tree trunk or the sonic boom of a UFO. It was enough to make me get off the couch, quit eating bonbons, and go check. I’m ambitious that way.
That crazy bang sound wasn’t an imploding tree trunk, the sonic boom of a UFO, or a drive by brick throwing.
It was exploding patio furniture.
When I reached the former glass topped patio table (purchased from Home Depot—on sale—end of summer mark down) the glass was still popping and jumping. I repeat, the glass was popping and jumping. It was like looking at the sonic boom of a UFO. It was weird.
T. J., my son-in-law, who had heard the crazy bang sound and had come to observe the weirdo patio furniture spontaneously MOVING, said, “I just saw a piece of glass jump in the air, about an inch and a half.”
He sounded worried. The sound of snap-crackle-pop punctuated his concern. The glass continued to hop and leap.
Looking at the tabletop, now reduced to a glittering heap of puffed rice, I asked, “Well, what’s your theory? Ghosts? Aliens? Solar Flares? Really heavy Windex?” No theories were forth coming.
T. J. kicked at the body of a mummified tree frog. We were on the back porch, standing next to the exploded patio table. Every summer here in Florida, when the heat hangs over the Miracle Gro vegetables like a blow dryer stuck on high, the tree frogs creep, squeeze, and slink onto our back porch, looking for . . . what? Who can know? It never ends well. Inevitably, our little amphibious friends wind up in locked poses of desiccated mummification—dead as the nails of a door. At this point, they’re easy to sweep up.
Easier to sweep up than the exploded glass bits of our back porch table, I can tell you. The glass continued to pop and crackle while we swept up about thirty pounds of glass.
I said, “Okay, here’s the story. I’m going with heat-induced spontaneous combustion, and I’m going to insist that if our patio furniture can blow up because of the heat, than it’s just a matter of time before our body parts start to catch on fire, our eyeballs explode, or we dry up like those mummy tree frogs. We need a pool. I’m going to management. Who’s with me?”
Because I believe, not unlike certain government types, that you should never waste a good exploding glass tabletop crisis. Pools for everyone!!!
Linda (Crashed Glass) Zern
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