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The Newsletter >
Lessons I Learned From the Feral Cats
March 18, 2009
Our neighbor, the one who used to stand on his back porch in his underwear shooting at vultures—moved—under the cover of darkness and quickly. We hardly knew he was gone . . . except that our neighbor abandoned all his cats. Cats that immediately began to starve, migrate, and acquire worms—under our hedge.
Contrary to popular rumor I am a compassionate woman. Having wormy, starving cats living in my hedge bothes me, so I put together a stimulus plan to relieve their suffering—also, I was frightened when the cats hissed and clawed at me when I tried to walk from my house to my truck.
My stimulus plan includes:
1. Food
2. Happy Talk Therapy
3. Eventual Selective Reduction
My food relief program included purchasing giant bags of cat food and throwing it into the bushes. I had to because if I approached the feral cat demographic they attempted to kill me and drink my blood. I became so frightened that I started slinging giant turkey carcasses and crock-pot’s full of gelatinous red beans and rice at them (don’t ask.)
Attempting to negotiate with the cats through happy talk, therapy, and reasonable reasoning has been a total failure. The cats continue to reside under the hedge, only now they sleep on top of a great pile of turkey carcass bones—burping. They remain suspicious. I remain hopeless.
In the end, I will be forced to be the mean old woman who must trap the hideous cat mob with unspeakable traps, and then haul the wormy bunch to the pound, and you know what that means. That’s right, “selective reduction.” That’s what the government calls it over at PlayLinda Beach when they have to kill off the raccoon herds—“selective reduction.” I’m not sure if they selectively reduce the raccoons with hammers or bullets.
This is a perfect example of what happens in a society when people don’t take responsibility for their own cats, dogs, kids, choices, or deficits. Somehow, it all becomes someone else’s worry, but don’t fret if we think up a nifty euphemism for our problems like changing the word terrorism to “man-made disasters” it will hurt less when they “selectively reduce” us.
Linda (Here Kitty, Kitty) Zern
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