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The Newsletter >
A Deep Tissue Issue
February 11, 2009
My newest son-in-law, T. J. Lorance, is an exceptional hairdresser. Our family has a lot of hair. It’s an excellent fit. The Zern family has decided that if anything should happen (irreconcilable haircuts, etc) we’re going to keep
T. J. and get rid of our daughter, Maren. She understands. Family is one thing, but good haircuts—that’s an entirely different deal.
T. J. cut and colored my hair for the big wedding festivities, and as part of my cut and color, he massaged my head—no extra charge.
This mini-skull massage (the massage was mini, not my skull) only re-confirms my deep and abiding commitment to NEVER have a full body, deep tissue massage, EVER, for the following reasons:
1.Getting naked for strangers gives me cramps. (My doctor wants me to have full nude body “maps” made to chronicle the growth of foreign barnacles on various bits of me. I slapped him.)
2.If I should indulge in a “real” massage I would become instantly, completely, and totally addicted, to the point that neural pathways in my skull would become re-wired.
3.Within a week, I would be strapped for massage cash and would be driven to the street, forced to sell contraband body parts.
4.I would be arrested for loitering, lurking, and creeping around The Gaylord Palms Resort and day spa.
5.I would have so many massages in such a short period of time that I would dissolve.
6.If I stay tense and knotted up I get more done.
It’s good to “know thyself,” and that’s one of the nicest things about being me and being fifty. I know some stuff—mostly about myself. It’s good to know what roads you need never go down, to have figured out that at the end can only be despair, danger, and stale complimentary muffins.
Linda (Skin Deep) Zern
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