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The Newsletter >
Signs, Omens, and Portents
November 11, 2008
As the day (as in the day of the dinosaur or last days) darkens all around us, and the world devolves into a spinning ball of nuttiness, I believe we should be actively looking for omens, portents, and signs.
For example as I stood on the back porch eating a bowl of Rice Puffy Junk, I froze, spoon halfway to my mouth, because a donkey wearing a ten-foot, galvanized gate around its neck trotted by, and I knew immediately what I was looking at—an omen—a deep, dark, disturbing donkey omen.
As most of us know, donkeys are best known for the parts they play in live nativity scenes and politics, and a gate is symbolic for being the place that people hang signs that say happy and inviting things like Warning-- Attack Dogs Trained by Germans. Clearly, the omen of a donkey wearing a ten-foot gate around its neck was trying to prepare me for the invasion of Saint Cloud by German Democrats.
I’ve ordered two loads of clean fill dirt for my target shooting range in the back pasture.
Omen number two manifested itself in the form of a bird (variety unknown, it all happened pretty fast) that flew into my truck’s side-view mirror. The impact decapitated the bird’s head and splattered blood in an arterial spray across my driver’s side window. I was traveling about forty-seven miles per hour. Obviously, this portent was a warning to avoid air travel and fried chicken livers. (I love fried chicken livers.)
I’m stepping up my order of dehydrated green peppers and powered eggs; clearly hard times are coming when bird’s heads are flying about and violent death can be experienced on a milk run to Walmart.
The final sign is that my ears have started to flush red, usually while watching election returns, press conferences, and man-on-the-street style interviews. I believe flushing red ears are a sign of possible CNN mind probes or apoplexy.
Stay alert—omens, portents, and signs are definitely on the rise. Take notes, and keep me updated.
Linda (The Omen-ater) Zern
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