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The Newsletter >
Mother's Day - The Requiem
May 13, 2008
Dear Mother’s Day Survivors,
It is I, Linda Zern, fellow survivor and future victim.
A few of you may know that we were forced to purchase,
at great expense and fanfare, a brand new John Deere lawn
tractor (a big honk’en one.) Some of you may have heard
evil rumors that I was responsible for the demise of our
first John Deere lawn tractor. One or two of you may have
actual proof.
I disavow all knowledge and responsibility—also any and
all financial docking of my pay.
As we stood in the John Deere showroom (okay, more
like greasy warehouse) I marveled at the myriad of
attachments, gadgets, and contrivances available for
purchase to beautify our beloved lawn mower. Each
accessory promised more enjoyment and more fulfillment than
any lawn mowing person has any right to expect in this or
any lifetime. For mere pennies you too can have extra cup
holders (for a six pack), flood lights (for hunting deer at
night from the top of your lawn mower), protective bumpers
(tempting,) grass catchers (what I really could use),
wagons (for hauling horse manure—got one), and of course a
jaunty sun canopy (pointless.) My husband and I discussed
each possible additional purchase thusly:
“Man, of all the things that I would never ever want,
wish for, or use, ever, is that silly canopy. I mean what
about a bit of cloth stretched across the top of four
fragile metal toothpicks and me on a lawnmower sounds
sensible?”
My husband looked conscious.
“That jaunty sun canopy wouldn’t last for one pass
around the house with me mowing. I once ran into the side
of the barn and ripped off the water faucet,” I said,
chuckling softly.
My husband grunted at the right spot in the
conversation.
“Besides I have a really big sun hat.”
My husband acted coherent.
“That canopy is the one thing I would hate, maybe even
loath, getting.”
My husband looked like he spoke English.
For Mother’s Day, our dear children inquired of their
dear father, my husband, as to what I would most like in
all the world to receive for a gift. He told them.
They purchased the John Deere lawn canopy attachment.
I cried.
It wasn’t the canopy. It wasn’t the thought. It
wasn’t that it was an item intended for work that you can’t
get Americans to do anymore. The true pain, the real
heartbreak is that the children thought I was being a brat
about the whole episode. That’s what really hurt.
I am a woman who is perfectly fine with getting power
tools for Mother’s Day. I enjoy a good hand drill. I clap
my hands for a new toolkit. The problem is that I want the
right power tools and the pink toolkit. Is that too much
to ask?
Don’t feel bad, because my husband tried to make it up
to me. Yesterday, he bought me a stuffed, hand puppet that
looks like the chameleon in my new book. So, that’s what I
got for Mother’s Day, a lawn mower canopy and a hand
puppet.
Is it any wonder that the Home Shopping Network Website
is in my computer favorites list?
Linda (Click One for AutoShip) Zern
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