Dear Mother’s Day Survivors,

    It is I, Linda Zern, fellow survivor and future victim.

    A few of you may know that we were forced to purchase, at great expense and fanfare, a brand new John Deere lawn tractor (a big honk’en one.)  Some of you may have heard evil rumors that I was responsible for the demise of our first John Deere lawn tractor.  One or two of you may have actual proof.

    I disavow all knowledge and responsibility—also any and all financial docking of my pay.

    As we stood in the John Deere showroom  (okay, more like greasy warehouse) I marveled at the myriad of attachments, gadgets, and contrivances available for purchase to beautify our beloved lawn mower.  Each  accessory promised more enjoyment and more fulfillment than any lawn mowing person has any right to expect in this or any lifetime. For mere pennies you too can have extra cup holders (for a six pack), flood lights (for hunting deer at night from the top of your lawn mower), protective bumpers (tempting,) grass catchers (what I really could use), wagons (for hauling horse manure—got one), and of course a jaunty sun canopy (pointless.)  My husband and I discussed each possible additional purchase thusly:

    “Man, of all the things that I would never ever want, wish for, or use, ever, is that silly canopy.  I mean what about a bit of cloth stretched across the top of four fragile metal toothpicks and me on a lawnmower sounds sensible?”

    My husband looked conscious.

    “That jaunty sun canopy wouldn’t last for one pass around the house with me mowing.  I once ran into the side of the barn and ripped off the water faucet,” I said, chuckling softly.

    My husband grunted at the right spot in the conversation.

    “Besides I have a really big sun hat.”

    My husband acted coherent.

    “That canopy is the one thing I would hate, maybe even loath, getting.”

    My husband looked like he spoke English.

     For Mother’s Day, our dear children inquired of their dear father, my husband, as to what I would most like in all the world to receive for a gift.  He told them.

    They purchased the John Deere lawn canopy attachment.

    I cried.

    It wasn’t the canopy.  It wasn’t the thought.  It wasn’t that it was an item intended for work that you can’t get Americans to do anymore. The true pain, the real heartbreak is that the children thought I was being a brat about the whole episode.  That’s what really hurt.

    I am a woman who is perfectly fine with getting power tools for Mother’s Day.  I enjoy a good hand drill.  I clap my hands for a new toolkit. The problem is that I want the right power tools and the pink toolkit.  Is that too much to ask?

    Don’t feel bad, because my husband tried to make it up to me.  Yesterday, he bought me a stuffed, hand puppet that looks like the chameleon in my new book.  So, that’s what I got for Mother’s Day, a lawn mower canopy and a hand puppet.

    Is it any wonder that the Home Shopping Network Website is in my computer favorites list?

    Linda (Click One for AutoShip) Zern

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